Question:
I'm a 28 year old male…I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 17.
For brevity's sake I’ll just say my anxiety seemed to be stemmed from my drug usage at the time- lots of pot, alcohol, a few run-ins of LSD. It was the LSD that freaked me out and made me quit all the drugs altogether. My irrational fears (then and now) are mostly a fear of 1) going insane and 2)hallucinating uncontrollably.
Over time (and with effort) the anxiety withered until it was but a small annoyance- i even had 2 solid years without ANY anxiety attacks or symptoms at all, and it was great. However it came back about 3 years ago. Not as intense, but it seems to have brought depression with it.
So let me describe how I feel- and let's see if any of you feel the same way.
My irrational fears still stem around either going insane or hallucinating. Whether it is light or dark, there seems to be "snow" in my field of vision. "Snow" as in when you aren't getting the best reception on your TV. Little black and white specks flitting about in lightness, arranging into slightly geometric patterns in darkness. I actually first noticed these (in the light) when I was a small boy, but they really bother me now. I also see (albeit faintly) "light shows", which resemble a very mild "swirling" on top of everything in front of me.
Anyone that has ever done LSD will see these afterwards. Although these things will kind of "go away" if i ignore them long enough, they *can* distress me if I let them.
These last few days (I’ve been fighting a lot of irrational fears of going insane lately) I don't have the usual symptoms of anxiety- the `spaciness' in the head, the confusion, the beating heart. Instead, I’m real jittery, and my muscles almost spasm a little bit. I also feel like I have this great weight on me, as if I’m wearing 60 pounds of chain mail. It feels concentrated on my shoulders and chest. Like right now, I feel a pressure on my ribcage, kinda like when you lay in the bathtub and it takes more effort to breathe.
Nearly every thought that occurs in my head seems to get pulled aside and automatically `analyzed'. It's as if I’m questioning everything I think of: "is this normal? Or is it outside of reality? Is this something I should fear? Is it leading up to schizophrenia?" and such. I feel as if I’m in my own hell, yet also as if I could just take it off like some uncomfortable piece of clothing and it will be gone. But I can't escape my own mind. It's not that easy.
But the thing has started happening lately, is that I’ll need to do a `double take' on the things I look at. It's not a matter of seeing something SERIOUSLY out of place- like cartoon monkeys dancing on the floor or anything. But it's more that I don't accurately recognize certain things when I see them. For example, today I was at work, and standing in the bathroom I looked down at this brownish-orange cabinet. There was a small shaft of light striking the top of it. At a first glance, it looked like a cigarette butt sitting there. I blinked a couple of times and was able to see it for what it was. Or walking down the sidewalk in the dark and seeing a key sitting on the ground (at first glance) but as soon as I get a step closer I can tell it is just a small hole. Kind of when you were a kid and looked at shapes in the clouds. You were looking at clouds, but the images arranged themselves (and with a help of imagination) they became ships, horses, or faces. Only I’m
not actively trying to see things differently than they are- this sort of thing catches me off guard. And it actually freaks me out quite a bit.
I've never really gotten an in-depth description of "de-realisation" or "depersonalisation". I understand that it is a possible symptom of anxiety attacks, but I don't think I’ve ever experienced those. And I don't know if this (the seeing objects differently than what they are) is a `normal' part of anxiety that other people experience as well, or if this is maybe something beyond that. If maybe I’ve worked myself into a different sort of problem.
Plus- certain other (normal) thoughts I have will trigger a feeling that I cannot really describe, other than being overly negative. The closest thing I can relate it to is that feeling you'd get when you discover someone has a mad crush on you, but you have absolutely no interest in that person at all. Especially when that person is overbearing in their attempts at displaying their affection, much to your repulsion. I feel this sensation sometimes on various random things- when hearing a song I normally like, or remembering a part of a movie, or planning future events or reading about something totally trivial. It has no rhyme nor reason, and I really don't understand this other than perhaps it is possibly a part of depression. It's also hard to describe, and I’m not real good at putting feelings into words. Most people are much better at this than me.
So I ask, do any of you with anxiety and/or depression have these things happen to you too? Is the "object recognition problem" something that's "normal" for anxiety? The "negative feeling" I refer to, can you relate to it too? Can you describe it better than me? And, can any former LSD users confirm or deny the visual things (swirling, colourless light shows, and static vision) are an aftereffect of LSD? Do they last forever?
Answer:
I will start by saying you should seek a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I can relate to some of what you say and IMO you certainly sound like you have aspects of depersonalisation to the extent it could be a
separate disorder to anxiety and panic. For me, I first had an unreal sensation when I was 14 spending too much time analyzing my thoughts and trying to work out the meaning of life. I lost sense of time and had the
scariest sensation of feeling unreal and that my surrounding were not real. It wasn't dizziness but everything seemed surreal and dream like. Luckily it only lasted about 15minutes but I panicked and then went on to develop agoraphobia and anxiety disorder.
It is possible to have depersonalization/derealisation without anxiety or depression. OTOH the conditions can be interrelated. I have never taken used drugs like LSD so can't help you there. Many others here have and could relate to that aspect. I have had visual distortions like you describe and I feel like I’m having a white out, rather than a black out, whilst I can see objects around me they can become swirly and distorted and I have had that snow effect too.
If indeed you do have depersonalization you are not going insane. Schizophrenia, which does have aspects of depersonalisation/dissociation but it doesn't mean you have this, but like I said get a proper diagnosis.
So what helped me was to deal with the anxiety and panic first. Klonopin (clonazepam) was useful to ease my anxious and catastrophic thoughts and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped me change my outlook and my behaviour. I still get some depersonalization now and then, but I accept it as part of me, and I don't panic about it, well at least I haven't for several months now.
I think you described your situation very well, better than I have in my reply in fact. FYI I have researched the topic for myself and have listed a couple of sites you may find useful below, from which I have cut and paste some parts you might find interesting. Remember your mileage may vary. Take care and I wish you well.
While a degree of depersonalization may be present in other illnesses, like schizophrenia, this is not a psychotic condition. The person knows that something is terribly wrong, and grapples with trying to figure out what it is. If anything, it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You become hypervigilant of your existence and things around you.
Many people develop the condition through the use of marijuana and ecstasy. LSD can cause it as well, but to a lesser degree than THC (Delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol) the active ingredient in pot.
It may happen when you first wake up, or while flying on an airplane or driving in your car. Suddenly, inexplicably, something changes. Common objects and familiar situations seem strange, foreign. Like you've just arrived on the planet, but don't know from where. It may pass quickly, or it may linger. You close your eyes and turn inward, but the very thoughts running through your head seem different. It's as if you have no self, no ego, no remnant of that inner strength which quietly and automatically enabled you to deal with the world around you, and the world inside you. It may settle over time, into a feeling of "nothingness", as if you were without emotions, dead. Or the fear of it may blossom into a full-blown panic attack.
But when it hits, you're convinced that you're going insane, and wait in a cold sweat to see when and if you finally do go over the edge.
2) http://culture.st-and.ac.uk:16080/artsci/cavan/unreal/unreal.htm Emotional, Physical, and Psychological Effects often associated or accompanying Depersonalization:
Many of these bizarre and morbid sensations listed below might be classed as pseudohallucination, that is, they are not concrete. Instead they are attempts to describe inner ...
