Question:
I had a question for anyone who might be willing to answer. Is there anyone here who has been (or is) trying to cope with being bi-polar without medication? To tell you just a bit about myself, I'm 23 years old, and have been diagnosed as being manic-depressive for about six years now, though I probably suffered from it for quite a long time before that. Admittedly, I have a pretty severe case, and at times, it can cause an awful lot of internal pain. I was treated with a few different medications, but the only thing that ended up working was Lithium. The longest period I've been on it has been for about eight months, and I've had spells here and there where I've gone back to taking it for a time. However, there were a lot of side effects that made life difficult - including head and body aches, and fatigue. I could have coped with the physical effects, but to be truthful, it was the psychological ones that made me stop taking it. I just felt very much like I couldn't really feel things the way I could before any longer - I didn't feel like me. I mean, it did admittedly erase some of the painful aspects of being bi-polar, but at a price. I also have always enjoyed writing, and I both play and compose music. When on the medication, the output in both was substandard when compared with what I could do when off of it. I confess that I've always been very emotional, and am the kind of person who feels things very deeply. I freely admit that it may be partly because of the fact that I am bi-polar that I am that way. I mean, I'm very sensitive to criticism, and it's very hard for me to shrug things off, but in the same way, I feel a lot of positive things very deeply as well. I mean, when I've been in relationships, I've always had a natural tendency to want to be sensitive to the other person, gentle, and very warm and emotional - even too much so sometimes (I'm kind of sappy, and sort of a wet blanket). I just have a great amount of feeling inside, and some of it has been very positive in my life, such as when I've truly loved someone. At the same time, I know that feeling things so deeply leads to a tremendous amount of internal pain at times. Somehow, it just felt like the medication robbed me of some of that, and it threw out some of the good along with the bad.
Going at things without medication has been hard, I confess. It's difficult for me to relate to others a lot of times because they usually don't understand quite what I'm feeling inside, and I sometimes just come off as being an emotional mess to people. The flip side of what I stated above about my relationships has been that it's made them sometimes very difficult. Unfortunately, I've often
been in a situation where I know I end up feeling things a lot more deeply and passionately than the other person, and it can be problem when I feel like I have all these things going on inside, and like my heart is just overwhelmed with feeling, but I know that the other person just doesn't feel the same. It makes communication difficult because it usually puts me on a different wavelength, and I know the other person can't really understand what I feel. And...when the depressive side of things is evident, it can be frustrating for others and understandably, people who don't have the problem aren't necessarily sympathetic. Basically, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm crazy. However, it can also be very isolating, and I regret that it has that effect, but it's understandable. The part that does hurt the most is the fact that the disease, untreated, has caused casualties in some personal relationships that I've really valued, and that several times has been enough to get me back on the Lithium for a time. Still, part of me just really wants to be the "real me," not a me that is filtered through a medicated haze. There's no doubt about it though - I make better decisions on the medication, I'm less erratic and moody for certain, and I'm not so terribly emotional about things. I mean, I still feel things, but not in such extremes. Yet, it would break my heart to lose the part of me that does feel so much. I don't know…Has anyone else made the choice to go at things without pills, and made it work? I haven't been medicated for almost a year now, but it's been one heck of a ride at times, and the emotional storm inside is seldom one that quiets.
Answer:
Made it work? Well I'm not dead, so I'm not sure of the alternative. Made it work?, as in "have I become wildly successful in any & all endeavors I ever undertook?" Or, somewhere in between, just like the "real" life normie's live? It's the same boat, isn't it? Yes, I'm surviving & I still have new hopes & dreams. I still have successes & gains, & I still have losses too. Again, same boat. I'm a 47 yr old musician who is both un-dx'd & un-medicated, except for self medication (pot). I know beyond any doubt I'm bp, but I'm just not sure what all is comorbid with it. It does seem to be coming to a head, now that I'm much older, but then I have nothing to compare it to, so I can't tell what a "normal me" would be like either, especially at this age of "getting older". I suspect theirs (normies) is also is filled with "things coming to a head" from one thing or another in their lives, from time to time. Hell I know it's true, as I see it daily.
Who's to say, really(about meds)? One the one hand, everything includes trade-offs when making a choice about something. I'm not gonna sit here & say that meds are bad, as so many people here take them & the last thing I want is for them to feel like they're doing something wrong (theirs may be the "most right" choice, anyway). But on the other hand, we are individuals with our own belief systems, & so we each have the right to feel whatever way we want to. From reading here, I must say I'm more & more skeptical about the benefit of meds FOR ME. It seems no matter what we do, we're always in the same boat, & so for me I'm strongly leaning towards staying off meds & just trying to get by however I can. This isn't advice, this is just me sharing about what I'm doing. Btw, I *know* that music both gives & takes away, just like salt does in the sea. Both the giver & taker of life. I get to jammin', really getting into it, & ya, it brings on mania (actually, mixed states) to the nth degree. It's quite electric. Both extreme ends of the swing of mania & depression has both much to offer, & much to take away. To me, it's a throttle issue, so it's a question of whether you're "up" for handling it by your lonesome, w\o meds. Either way, a huge risk. If there wasn't the possibility of profit motivation for meds, I would proly' advise you to take them, but since I'm so cynical about the politics of life, etc, I just do not know. They are raking in record profits. Also, drugs are much cheaper in Canada (more proof $$ is really what's "important or bottom line"). Heh heh, I don't know why, but I feel like I'm in the dark ages debating whether blood letting is the way to go, way back when it was common. (I know, I know, it's still practiced to some extent, for some things, but it USED to be common for practically everything). I keep envisioning the far distant future in which people are saying, "Man, can you believe what they used to do, to "treat" life\self-control?" You may think you are old now Anthony, but you are still very young. The vast majority of your life is ahead of you. Shit, 23 is just a scratch. Hell, people even live twice my age (unthinkable). I would advise that you seek self-control skill sets in as many ways as possible. The broader the base, the better. This has got to be the only course to take, whether meds are included or not - it's the same boat. Good luck to you, & may you remain open as much as possible no matter what occurs. Well at least someone feels the same way I do... like for instance...my gf dumped me,, oh I’m 20 btw, well she dumped me and I took it so freaking bad...like dwelled for months when she was so not dwelling... she always used to tell me she was afraid I’d kill myself if she ever broke my heart...well it came
close…but that wasn't quite what your question was...it was about the meds...for me the meds have made me this super individualistic person...not like lonely but NO ONE is like. I stand out so wonderfully and that’s how I like it...do you ever look for positives in bi polar? I think its one great positive...so I’ll be a junior in college at 21 instead of 18 like everyone else I don't give a ... keep cutting back your medication until you get bare bones amounts...then do what I do...take the morning dose all the time, and the evening dose about a tenth of the time... let me tell you it works WONDERS! It helps lift the veil of shitty side effects, just enough to let you out...now if I could just keep a job I’d be rolling…but how much of it all is bi polar that’s what confuses me!!
