Question:
What I don't know is: on those "good" days, am I experiencing mild mania or is this how it feels to be "normal" when the depression lifts? Other health issues: I suffer from a deficiency in testosterone levels.
This was diagnosed (and treatment initiated) in 1999. My testosterone
levels are now normal. I am also infertile (my children are adopted). I
am a little overweight and I find it extremely difficult to lose
weight.
Answer:
First of all, I ought to point out that I haven't been diagnosed or even assessed yet. I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow to discuss the situation so we'll see what happens from there. I am in no doubt that I am suffering from quite severe depression at the moment but I wonder about bipolar disorder as well. I'm based in London, England. I'm 36 years old, divorced, with two
young children. I have been prone to depression since my late teens. At
times it has been quite severe. I took Prozac (20mg daily) between 1999
and 2002.
I first noticed the signs of depression when I was at college - I am a
mathematics graduate.
The usual symptoms appeared: lack of motivation, lack of confidence,
inability to concentrate, not wanting to speak to people, low moods,
weight gain, sleeping a lot, etc.
In the last few years though, I've also had what perhaps might be
described as mild mania. What do I mean by this? Periods of time,
generally not lasting more than 2 weeks, where I'm very alert, very
energetic, cheerful, etc. I also tend to eat less during these periods
and to lose weight as a result. What is noticeable is that during these
episodes I talk and think extremely quickly, and am sometimes too
impatient to listen to others & so often finish their sentences for
them. I am also very productive at work and I can become completely
absorbed in tasks for hours on end - 15 hour working days are not
uncommon and yet I'm not tired in the least.
I don't exhibit the more extreme forms of behaviour, such as loss of
inhibitions, spending huge amounts of money, having delusions of
grandeur, crazy schemes, etc. Also during my depressed periods I have
never felt inclined to harm myself.
A month ago I felt very well indeed. In the last two weeks things have
gradually got worse, and this week I feel so depressed I can hardly
drag myself into the office.
The depression partly strikes at random but also I'm sure is related to
other external factors. For example, my divorce was very stressful and
I'm still having difficulties with my ex-wife (relating to contact
visits with the children). My job at the moment is very frustrating -
I'm not enjoying it at all and it's generating a lot of stress for me.
I sometimes seem to react to stress and pressure by switching off and
closing down. At the first sign of trouble I am inclined to jump into
my car and drive off into the sunset, fantasising about a simple life
free from stress - living in a log cabin, etc. This is what is
happening at the moment. It is affecting my performance at work badly
at the moment (I have discussed the situation with my boss, however - I
owe him that much).
I tried the self-assessment test for bipolar disorder at
http://www.mdf.org.uk/mod_product/uploads/bsd.pdf and scored 17, which
is towards the top of the "moderate probability" score.
What I don't know is: on those "good" days, am I experiencing mild
mania or is this how it feels to be "normal" when the depression lifts?
Other health issues: I suffer from a deficiency in testosterone levels.
This was diagnosed (and treatment initiated) in 1999. My testosterone
levels are now normal. I am also infertile (my children are adopted). I
am a little overweight and I find it extremely difficult to lose
weight.
I found Prozac very effective in lifting the gloom, but there were side
effects - I became quite restless after a few months and my sex drive
was badly affected.
I would be grateful for anybody's comments on my situation. I'm not
sure if I have any specific questions to ask - I'm just trying to make
contact with people in a (possibly) similar situation to myself.
Well, bipolar is sort of the diagnoses du jour, but it does sound like
you're making serious efforts to understand what is going on. I think
the definition of bipolar has broadened greatly in the last decade ...
but what does that mean really? That people who were not considered
bipolar in 1989 now qualify? I'm confused myself and want to take that
test you posted a linke to. I've been diagnozed with so many
contradictory things I don't know what to think anymore. What is
normal today? When you go for 15 hours straight without tiring, is it because you
love the project you're doing and things are looking up? Or do you
just seem to have this extra burst of energy for no reason?
I've been like that myself, but usually or almost always with something
I really enjoy and am getting into. I'm a perfectionist too and a bit
obsessive, so that contributes. But I don't think in my case that's
"manic" -- "manic" to me is jumping up and down like your name has just
been called on The Price Is Right game show. That's not me.
One doctor said I was, but I could tell all she was looking for were
symptoms, not really hearing what I was saying. I finally blew up at
her (in a nonmanic way ;) ) and said, "If all you look for is disease,
that's all you'll ever see." She stopped after that.
Now I'm going to take that test you pointed out.
I took it and came out in the "low probability" range. The pdoc who
diagnosed me as bipolar once (not the one I'm seeing now) would love to
hear that. He diagnosed me after a 15 minute conversation. Isn't that
professional? Yes, I totally agree. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar and the
results of that were nearly two years of living hell and bad
suicidal episodes because of different varieties of mood
modifiers that I should not have been taking. Once again the
diagnosis was quickly made by a so called expert. The psychiatrist that sorted me out was a Belgian with a
reputation for being radical. He has introduced the word, at
least to me, 'tendencies' into diagnosis of depression.
He said all people cycle. It is the nature of being human. Some
cycle more, or more overtly, than others but would still fit into
the range of 'normal'. Creatives are indeed renowned for mental
disease but also for being uniquely motivated with tendencies
that, with the addition of real problems, can indicate to an
observer that they are bipolar.
The first questions he asked me was about my job and my hobbies
and lifestyle. He quickly established that I was most definitely
a creative and had to be looked at with that in mind.
He realized I wasn't bipolar at all. What I had was Disthymia
coupled with PTSD in a naturally creative personality. He
described it as "bipolar tendencies".
I am still on the exact medication and dosage he prescribed for
me six years ago. I have improved dramatically since then as has
the quality of my life.
