Question:
My Name is Amy and I am doing a report on schizophrenia. I was wondering if an
adult could give me some information on what
it is like living with someone who is schizophrenic? Or in any case anyone
could help my please.
Answer:
I've never lived with a schizophrenic unless you stretch that category to
include one's self. And besides that, I think we have enough articles floating around on "the
horrors of living with a schizophrenic". I figure that schizophrenics should be
free to tell their side of the story and the best way to do that is textually,
at least for most schizophrenics. I know I'm quite bold in writing at times,
but people who meet me or talk to me can't believe they're talking to the same
person who wrote the messages they've been reading. I can not tell you what it is like to live with a schizophrenic, but I can
tell you what it is like to be one. I am constantly living in fear. I feel
someone is trying to kill me. I always am hearing voices and seeing people that
aren't really there. To me they are real but not to anyone else. It is very
frustrating because I don't know when I am in the real world or not. I have three
little girls that don't understand why Mommy is crying or why she is hospitalized
every year for a couple of weeks each year trying to stabilize Mommy's medication.
They don't understand why I sleep all the time because of the side effects of the
medicine. It is not an easy life living with this illness that seems no one
understands. Yeah that's true. Even that book "Living with Schizophrenia" really
should be called "Living with Schizophrenics"
It's supposed to be a book for "Us" but most of it is for family or
whoever about how to live with "us" Definitely need some stuff directly aimed at and for "us". Particularly
stuff that doesn't sound like it's aimed at someone with the
comprehension of a retarded 7 year old chimpanzee. I find it disagreeable that the sz him/herself isn't *educated* more about the
condition.
The focus/emphasis is disproportionately on the families. I think we need to shout a little louder...
They don't seem to hear our message/request... That's brilliant, a book written for sz's to help them understand normals.
Question is, is there anybody alive capable of such vision & objectivity? Probably any schizophrenic who remembers how they were as "normal" would be
capable. I remembered how I used to be before all this happened, but I'm
afraid my view probably wouldn't be the kind of view that's needed to write a
book -- not one that covers that topic. I've always disliked being around
lots of people, even as a kid. I disliked the sense of family. I was never
close to any of my family, even my own mother or father. I was a little
closer to my dad, but that was probably because he wasn't as fascistic as my
mother was. In fact, I think my dad wanted to let me do more, but he was
caught between making me happy and making my mom happy. I think he tried the
best he could, but my mom really wore the pants in the family. I think
overall my dad's a good man, but he just doesn't understand nor agree with my
views about some things, the two main things being spirituality/religion and
cannabis. My mom is good, too, but when she feels like she's supposed to be
responsible for somebody, she will go to extremes to make sure things go the
way she wants them go to. I think she had a problem raising both me and my
sister because she married my dad when he was 20 and she was 15, plus her dad
was extremely strict, I understand. So if all the shit rolled downhill, I may
be catching some, but some other people were stained along the way. But to compound my situation, I was adopted and I figure that perhaps that
motherly feeling was never one that I experienced. It's just a theory, mind
you, but I figure that a growing fetus is very much a part of the mother as
it's growing. When they're physically separated, if there really is such a
thing as a spiritual bond, it certainly exists between a mother and her infant
child. Did I have such a funky childhood because of the lack of that bond
with my adoptive mother? Did the loss of the bonding with my natural mother
actually cause my schizophrenia? Perhaps it did. I remember that one of the
things I was wishing for during the climax of my schizophrenia was to be an
illegitimate child, not knowing who my mom or dad was, nor any of my
relatives. I guess that perhaps my feeling of family was so warped that I
felt I'd be happier with no family at all. Of course, I can say this about
family. If I didn't have a family, who knows what would have happened to me
after I left the state hospital.
The saddest part is that one of the theories I also had during the highs and
lows of schizophrenia was that I had been abnormal all my life and finally I
was waking up and learning what others already knew because not until I began
experiencing the symptoms of schizophrenia was I able to feel emotions. It
was like spiritual puberty to me. I had all these feelings rushing in and I
was trying to figure out what it was about my situation that was making me
feel these weird feelings. Why did I cry when watching certain movies? I
wanted more input so I could experience more of these feelings and understand
them better.
I used to think of myself as somewhat Vulcan like, such as Mr. Spock from Star
Trek who is half human and half Vulcan, an species which operates through
logic and not emotion. Before schizophrenia I rarely showed any emotion
besides laughter. I tried expressing other feelnings during schizophrenia but
that was short-lived and I'm afraid I'm back to my old self again with one
important difference. I now say what I think instead of bottling everything
up. I'm still calm all the time. I don't get angry, I don't get sad or
really happy. Before I used to tell people what I thought would make them
happy. It stresses me out to do that now, so what I feel is what I express,
within reason.
That's brilliant, a book written for sz's to help them understand normals.
Question is, is there anybody alive capable of such vision & objectivity? In regards being able to write a book for sz's on understanding normals.
My memories of times previous are so distant & distorted through idealized
reconstructions that I doubt the accuracy of my reflections. My childhood memories contain a vision of a kid,...quiet,sensitive &
introverted.
You just know that the kid wasn't gunna survive intact & I didn't!! You remember how far your mother would go in your supposed best interests,
well when I think of my mother certain Pink Floyd lyrics swirl to the
surface.
Mothers gunna make all your nightmares come true.
Mothers gunna put all of her fears into you.
Mothers gunna keep you here under her wing.
Mother won't let you fly, but she may let you sink
Mothers gunna help build the wall.
And the song goes on to tell of how protective she will be when you bring
different girls around
is she good enough
is she dangerous
will she tear your little boy apart
will she break my heart
Mother's gunna check every thing out,
Mother's gunna wait till you get in, she's not gunna let anyone dirty near
you.
SOUNDS like your adoptive mother loves you the same way that a natural
mother would.
It's their version of love that leaves us removed, repressed & confused.
The saddest part is that one of the theories I also had during the highs
and
Sz is kinda weird ain't it, I,ve gone through transitions where I,ve felt &
experienced so much on so many levels. But eventually, especially with med's on board you return to a less
pronounced flattened state.
I can't decide which is better or worse because their both SHIT!!
I just want to be free of all this pain & confusion.
