Question:
My main reason for this post is to ask this. Are there any
schizophrenics that control their condition without medication? Can
anyone confirm a healthier, drug free lifestyle leading to an episode
free life? Anyone else have similar experiences with medication
giving a weak and foggy state?
Answer:
I'm 23 years old and I've had 2 major schizophrenic episodes during my
life in which the end result was a trip to the state hospitol.
I'm sure I don't need to go into my state of mind at the time during
these episodes but in summary the first time I was sure the CIA wanted
dead because I wouldn't become one of their expert hackers. The
second time was a smattering of twenty or so odd delusions and
hallucinations that included me being trapped in the matrix, being
responsible for the NYC blackout, being among the many Gods, and being
the new messiah.
Both would make for some excellent sci-fi novels.
The first episode I was very self destructive and destructive to
property and people around me.
This past episode I was a little better, and didn't cause as much
damage but I did damage several relationships and lost a few friends
and a fiance because of it.
The first time I was at the state hospitol I was 17 and was prescribed
a very heavy dosage of haldol (if I remember 35mgs) which I had
serious side effects to. (EPS and a totally zombified behavior) It
was not a pleasant trip at all as I was abused sexually and physically
during much of the stay.
This last time was much better. I was prescribed the maximum dosage
of zyprexa (10 mgs twice a day) and again had serious side effects.
(Overeating to the point of my stomach really hurting, zombiefied
behavior, severe photosensitivity, loss of fine motor control.) There
was no abuse this time.
I am currently receiving treatment at a local mental health center.
They have since lowered my dosage to 5 mgs (much less zombifying).
Because of my lack of insurance and financial situation I'm not able
to get much more treatment. While the center provides medication and
a psychiatrist the meetings with the psychiatrist have turned into
five minute sessions of "How you doing." "good" "very good here is
more medication"
I can honestly say I don't really like the medication at all. However
until my mind and body quiet down some and life returns to it's
regular normalicy I realize that the medication is a well needed
thing.
The loss of my fiance hit me hard, she left me during the ordeal for
someone who I thought was a friend of mine and immediatly got pregnant
by him. We were trying for a child. Also my grandmother whom I'm
very close to is dying of cancer.
My first episode was triggered by my parents divorcing. They divorced
rather quickly and split up leaving behind broken pieces of a family.
My father and sister were going to move to another state. My mother
was in a very depressive state (she was for 9 years) and it was not
really decided what she was doing. I was going to stay with friends
and finish up school. I was struggling to get a vehicle, finish up
drivers education, pack up my belongings, and I had a full load at
high school with extra classes to graduate a year early.
My friends were trying to help in their own ways. I had become very
restless. The offered me parties as a way to relax. Drugs, drinks
and food. I started to become very paraniod of their intentions as it
seemed to me that what I really needed was a leg up for my future.
This second episode was triggered by me losing my job, although I
think my stressed relationship, the NYC blackout and other a few other
major events added to it. I lost sight of school and tried to open my
own buisness (no idea where that thought came from, but I have a tax
permit now I worked this buisness for 4-5 days straight with no
sleep ended up dumping the fiance, running over to another female
friends house and staying there for a couple days until she called the
cops on me. I spent the next three days awake in solitary confinement
(this is where most of the delusions come from but the first threads
of them started much earlier) and then the next 13 days in the state
hospitol.
Both times because of being so heavily medicated I came off the
medication almost immediatly after being 'free'. The first time I was
successful in controlling my psychosis and meditating through my
insane thoughts. It wasn't very easy but somehow I made it through
just fine without any further reprecussions.
Eventually the insane thoughts would quiet down to normal (I imagine
everyone gets insane thoughts from time to time. I can handle a few a
week with no problems
This past time coming off the medication was MUCH more difficult. My
body went into a few day period of intense pain. The delusional
thoughts seemed to rush in and meditating had no effect. My fiance
wasn't helping matters much by running away from the situation and
escaping into the arms of drugs and the friend that she would shortly
leave me for.
I had a mini-episode. But by this time family knew the situation
quite well. Under their advice I started my medication back up only
halving the zyprexa from 15 mgs to 7.5 (or as close as you can get
cutting an unscored tablet in half) which helped the zombification (I
was a walking vegetable at 15 mgs) greatly.
A side note. During the first experience I was a recreational pot
smoker. During this last episode I had grown into a full grown pot
head.
I had one mini-episode in between these two due to finding out I'm a
niave retard when it comes to relationships and getting my face broken
in two because of a Tae Kwon Do sparring match, however I was clean
and sober and of good physical health. With a little consuling and
help from friends and family I was back on my feet. (although I did
lose a semester of college) This episode had no serious side effects
and I didn't do anything damaging to myself or others except for
getting very angry at an ex-girlfriend, but she was cheating on me
during the last three months of our relationship so I figure I'm
allowed.
I have a sneaking strong suspicion that the pot smoking did not at all
help my condition and that maybe I could have avoided both instances
if I had a more drug free approach. I have since been clean and sober
for 4 months with only occasional recreational drinking. I have also
been getting back in shape. I would like to hear other peoples
experiences with this.
Between these episodes and when all is "normal" I get irrational
thoughts. I get slight auditory hallucinations however other then the
first couple of days of this last episode I have not had any visual
halluciantions. For the most part though, I get a smattering
collection of ideas, recollections, memories, conversations and misc
thoughts ram rodding though my mind. From time to time I physically
jerk at the robustness of these memories.
On the medication I get barely any of this. My brain seems to go in
spurts like a car running out of gas. It used to be an information
superhighway of concious and subconcious thought.
I am also much less active. I have been gaining a little weight (a
good thing I'm slightly underweight) however I used to have an endless
abundance of energy and now I have to work to get excited.
I can say quite deffiantly that I miss the stream of ideas and
thoughts. I used to be very active and the life of any situation. I
would engage in interesting and stimulating conversation. I can still
function normally, but it takes work. All the knowledge, thoughts,
ideas and memories are up there, but I have to actually access them
and think about it.
One could say my subconcious used to run wild while I conciously sat
back and smiled and laughed at the thrill of the ride.
Now that subconcious beast is gone :(
Good job on the detailed, well-written summary of your situation. My
only general comment is that you seem reluctant to talk about the
content of your sz experiences. I find that psychiatrists especially,
and normals in general, tend to dismiss that content as not worth
bothering with, but it's very much alive in a sufferer's mind and forms
a big part of his experience during an episode. Although I don't
recommend getting obsessed with it, websites is the only place
I've found where people actually give a shit about what goes through
someone's head during an episode, and speaking only for myself, I want
you to feel welcome to explore it here. One anti-psychiatric authority
even recommends digging into those details to get at the hurt that gave
rise to the psychosis in the first place. I think my minor symptoms started showing up as early as age 10, and
possibly earlier. Certainly I was a weird, tormented teenager back in
the early 1980s and nobody had a clue what was going on. I recall
massive, almost constant anxiety about little things, bizarre thought
processes, and extremely poor socialization. Does any of that ring a
bell? You say you've had two major episodes, but the only thing that
seems to distinguish them is that you became inconvenient to other
people so they had you hospitalized. What about while you were growing
up and weren't inconvenient to anybody but were a weirdo, so people just
ignored you? Just a potential line of inquiry. One perceptive person on thiswebsites said there are three major
schizophrenic delusions: religious, government conspiracies, and
extraterrestrials. At least one of the three afflicts pretty well every
sz sufferer I've ever heard of. Delusions of being the Second Coming
are common, as are paranoias about the CIA. You're not alone. Now,
whether there is any truth to anything that went through your head while
you were in the throes of your episodes, nobody can really say. I
amassed a lot of secret knowledge during my episodes, but found it
completely useless, and even found it to interfere with my daily
functioning. So eventually I decided to put it out of my mind and try
to live a normal life. The same should be true for anyone who isn't cut
out to be a hero. Haldol is more evil and poisonous than DDT and PCBs combined. I took it
for a few days in a very low dose and almost died. The purpose of
Haldol is to make a patient docile and untroublesome to hospital staff,
not to help him with his symptoms. Whom were you abused by? Whoever it was, if it happened in a government
or private institution, you may want to consider a lawsuit. In the
United States there are many first-rate lawyers who will happily take on
a poor person's case on a contingency agreement (which means they get 30
percent of any proceeds and nothing if you lose the case). I've had seven psychiatrists, and all of them have had less people
skills than the average seven-year-old child. Their only talent and
skill is at prescribing medication. The best situation, if you want to
rely on the establishment, is to find a doctor who is also a trained
psychotherapist, so he can prescribe you medication and also give you
some counselling. You keep talking about the NYC blackout. Are you referring to the
blackout that affected NYC, Boston, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, about 2,000
other communities in the United States and Canada, this past summer? If
you are, then your use of the term "NYC blackout" is typical
egocentricity by a self-centred American. Sorry if that offends you,
but I find many Americans, especially New Yorkers, are like
five-year-old children when it comes to knowledge of the wider world
outside the United States. The test of whether they are insane is whether they help you live your
life better or make life more difficult and worse. Everyone has insane
thoughts from time to time. I've never done drugs to any significant extent. I think I was stoned
twice in my life. Both times I had thoughts I couldn't express. Since
I'm a writer, that bothered the heck out of me, and I decided to stay
away from pot. There is a price to everything. Only you can decide whether you value
that beast enough to put up with all the other shit. In my case, I was
able to write good fiction when off my meds but not on them. I decided
that holding down a job and having a social life was more important to
me than the fiction. This past July, the ability to write fiction
returned in a weakened form. I use meds, so I can't really advise you on alternative coping methods.
It's important to have a support system among family and friends and
trust them when they tell you you're acting weird. That's one of the
most difficult things for any person to do, is to learn not to always
trust his own mind. It's a very tricky balancing act, because you have
to establish relationships with other people in which you're sure they
have your best interests at heart.
